Stupid Jokes

[wolruss]

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules "
>From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports : It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball , or Football,
or golf, or Sex .

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[MALLEE BULL]

WHATS SEX

[rooster]

Sure are a lot of # 1s on that list, but it is a good list, just don't show it to your wife or girlfriend.

[waka]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statement s a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to H...

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[waka]

BROTHERS


Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They
were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about
it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were
probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful
in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the
mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy
to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy
down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?' The
boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
wide- eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?'

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his
voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,
'Where is God?'

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What
happened?'

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG
trouble this time,' (I just LOVE reading this next line...)




'GOD is missing, and they think we did it

[rooster]

A man is at the hotel gift shop buying a trinket for his wife, and as he reaches for his wallet his elbow bumps the woman behind him on her breast. Startled, the man says, " if your heart is as soft as your breast I'm sure you will forgive me ". To which the woman replys " if your penis is as hard as your elbow I'm in rm223 ".

[rooster]

Hey Waka,

Was that good enough The thread WAS stupid jokes

[waka]

ok, ok....hows this one then?

The Irish Doctor









A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant. "Seamus, I am going
hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he says. "I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients."

The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, "So, Seamus, how was your day?"
Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."

"Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?" asks the doctor

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?"
asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts....

"Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!"

"Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?" asks the doctor.


You're going to love this.....












"I put drops in her eyes."

[bdwqld]

A bear and a rabbit were playing in the woods, where they uncovered an Arabian lamp.
They started cleaning it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "You both found me so you both get three wishes".
The bear said "I'll go first. make me the only male bear in the woods"
The genie garnting his wish said "great wish".
The rabbit said " I've always wanted a motor bike, can I have a motor bike".
The genie thinks this is a little strange but grants his wish.
The bear's next wish is "Make me the only male bear in the country"
The genie granting his wish said "I love the where you are going with this. You have taken a great wish mad made it even better".
The rabbit said " I have a motor bike I suppose I need a helment".
The genie said "I guess that makes sense" and grants his wish.
The bear said "Make me the only male bear in the world!"
The genie said "This is the ultimate of wishes" and grants his wish.
The rabbit climbs onto his bike puts on his helmet starts it up, revs the motor and as he roars off he yells








"MAKE THE BEAR GAY"

[curlykneelo]

I've just heard , they are filming the sequel of "the exorcist" . In this one the mother hires the devil to get the priest out of her son .

[Mike Fernandez]

The sign on the pool said: no chunky dunking, only skinny dipping.

[CONTIKI]

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence
And find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

[Casey Patelski]

> > Subject: Missing Wife Found by Alaska Troopers
> >
> > The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an
> > Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State
> Troopers.
> >
> > "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
> > wife", said one of the troopers.
> >
> > "Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.
> >
> > The troopers looked at each other.
> >
> > One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really
> > great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
> >
> > Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad News
> > first."
> >
> > The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
> > found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
> >
> > "Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.
> >
> > Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
> >
> > The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12
> > twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
> >
> > Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's
> > the great news?"
> >
> > The trooper replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.

[fishfinger]

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.



On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.



The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"



"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"



"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"


"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"



Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.



"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."



"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"



"Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"



Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.



While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.


"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"



Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"



"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"


"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"



Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.


"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.



As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.



"What are you doing Sister?"



"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."



"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"



"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."



"Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be

the main course!"



"Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."



On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an

excellent meal.



The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.



The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"



"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.



"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.



The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!"



The new Bishop looked around at each of them.



A big smile crept across his face as he said,



"You Fuckers are my kind of people!"

[wolruss]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Geelong races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in year four."
"No, love," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the fourth!"