Stupid Jokes

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Steeno
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Stupid Jokes

Post by Steeno »

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

'In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice,' he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

'Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass either,' he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.
He turns to the astonished barman and says, 'In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice
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Post by Steeno »

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3
Survivors; Robert , Mark and Carol .

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a
couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Carol felt
absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Robert and Mark was so bad
that she killed herself.

It was tragic but Robert and Mark managed to get through it and,
after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Robert and Mark
began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing...













So they buried Carol.
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Post by dua anjing »

:roll: no swell huh ? I passed the first one to my boss he's south african hopefully has sense of humor, if not I should have more time to surf.
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Post by Anthony B »

A BLONDE WOMAN PULLS INTO THE LANE OF A TRUCK ALMOST CAUSING A HORRIFIC ACCIDENT.
THE TRUCK DRIVER FOLLOWS HER INTO THE NEXT SERVO AND DRAGS HER OUT OF THE CAR.
HE DRAWS A CIRCLE IN THE DIRT AND TELLS HER TO STAND INSIDE THE CIRCLE.
HE THEN WALKS OVER TO HER CAR AND KICKS THE DOOR IN.
HE TURNS AROUND TO SEE HER SMILING. :)
FIRED UP NOW HE KICKS IN THE FRONT GUARD.
TURNS AROUND AND SHE IS GIGGLING :shock:
NOW FURIOUS HE GRABS A ROCK AND THROWS IT THRU THE WINDOW
AGAIN HE TURNS AROUND AND SHE IS INTO A FULL BELLY LAUGH
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH U LADY HE SHOUTS,IVE JUST TRASHED YOUR CAR! :twisted:


SHE REPLIES,EVERY TIME YOU TURNED YOUR BACK I PUT MY FOOT OUT OF THE CIRCLE :P :P
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Post by dua anjing »

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithfulaged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in trouble now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'

Moral of this story....


Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.


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Post by feralmick »

Dear Friend,

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I`m glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn`t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn`t honked, I`d never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I`ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love,
Grandma
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Post by waka »

Texas Chilli Tester's Hilarity!



Notes From An Inexperienced Chilli Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting

Texas:



"Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding Famous

celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chilli cook-off, because no one else wanted

to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking

directions to the beer wagon when the call came.



I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli

wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the

event:



Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what the he** is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put

the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.



Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight

Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give

me the Heimlich manoeuvre. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.



Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium

spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the

routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer

wagon.

Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front

part of my chest.



Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was

unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with

fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.



Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato.

Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted

and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when

I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue

by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that

one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.



Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice

and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with

gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.



Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chilli peppers

at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about

Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin,

and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world

sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with

chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll

know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and

I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in

through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.



Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all,

not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and

pulled the chilli pot on top of himself.

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

:lol: This is the editied version...i can relate! :lol:
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Post by waka »

FOLLOW-UP:

Today (11/1/01) we received a great E-mail from "Bob" who told us that he really enjoyed the above "Chili Taster" and he was kind enough to send us a certified narration of "the rest of the story". We hope you enjoy this as much as we did! Thanks Bob!

AFTERMATH

The following was derived from interviews with contestants, vendors and attendees, and from various official reports submitted and filed by the city police, county sheriff's office, Highway Patrol, volunteer fire department, officials of the ASPCA, and the EMS ambulance crew.

After Judge Frank consumed a third large spoonful of Chili #8, he lurched to his feet launching his folding chair back into the lovely Sally, who was catapulted off the rear of the judging stand landing flat on her back in the grass just below the stand. Frank whispered what bystanders recounted sounded like a desperate plea for assistance: "Help me, for the love of God, help me," and appeared to reach for either the airborne Sally or the two pitchers of beer clutched in her hands. Two of the dogs from the Frisbee Catching Contest ran over to lap at the beer-drenched Sally and her thoroughly saturated clothing, such as it was. Sally attempted to demurely both recover her composure as well as re-cover some of her more endearing features, as she'd hit the ground fairly hard bursting a few constraints here and there. Several spectators were injured in the gentlemanly rush to provide assistance.

As these events unfolded, Judge Frank with a look of pain induced panic appeared to double over and lose his balance. Flailing his arms to regain steady footing, Frank grabbed the pot of Chili #8 in a vain attempt to stabilize himself. Staggering back toward the edge of the stand, Frank suffered what witnesses later described as a severe internal reaction to the combined chili and beer he had consumed with such gusto.

With a sonic boom like sound, according to many observers, Frank sustained an eruption of incendiary intestinal gas, which ignited one of the dogs still licking beer from the prostrate form of Sally. The poor creature was quickly extinguished by Judge Two's quick utilization of the last pitcher of beer on the judging table. Luckily the dog was only singed, except on the side nearest Frank, but the local vet said the hair should grow back the same color as it was. Frank, in the mean time, slumped off the back edge of the stand spattering the pot of Chili #8 on himself, on Sally, and over the growing herd of wannabe rescuers of Sally, who was desperately fending off any number of helping hands. All the other Frisbee Contest dogs bounded over for the sudden chili feast adding further fuel and confusion to what would soon grow into utter pandemonium. Frank in a semi-comatose state appeared peaceful as he assumed a supine position next to Sally in the grass. Sally glanced at Frank with a gaze full of heat and passion. Any woman in the crowd would have recognized the danger in that glare, but the gathering of cowboys seemed inflamed as they jostled to save Sally with either mouth-to-mouth resuscitation or go directly to the ever-popular CPR.

The noxious fumes emanating from Frank's volcanic blast caused a stampede beginning with the throng milling around Sally. As the toxic vapors spread, the escalating exodus became frenzied flight quickly evolving into a hysterical herd trampling tents, booths, stands, and sundry chili preparation utensils. Toppled chili cook stoves and electrical wiring torn from junction boxes created a conflagration like the tri-county area has not seen before and, perhaps, ever again. Adding to the confusion, the fleeing horde hampered and impeded the arrival of various emergency and law enforcement personnel, who were therefore too late to prevent the most serious of Frank's injuries as Sally thrashed him soundly about the head and shoulders.

Judge Frank is recovering in a local hospital and though not in custody, charges may yet be brought. Sally and Judge Two are dating as he did give Sally his jacket, although some think his effort to dry her off with a handful of paper towels was opportunistic at best. Judge One is attempting to become a Food Critic for some yuppie newspaper in the wine country of California.
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Post by Steeno »

i love a quality thread :lol:
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Post by K-man »

:lol: :lol: Hilarious!Made my day!And we've got good surf to boot!Gonna be a good day


cheers!
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Post by Mike Fernandez »

Why did the pervert cross the road? Because his dick got stuck in the chicken. :P
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Post by SFKneelo »

It's official.

All things Kneelo has been discussed.

Time to roll it all up in the Kneelo Brittanica and send door-to-door salesmen to chat up your ladies to buy a copy.

Meanwhile, I'll join ol' Frank for some chili... :lol:

Perverts and chickens, indeed! :wink: :lol:
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Post by Steeno »

Making De Love



The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with mygirlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, shefloatsa 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making zelove with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen ahlick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inchesabove ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin mymissus, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my di*k onthe curtains. And MATE ..... She hits the f*!king roof
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Post by Mike Fernandez »

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Post by waka »

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE


A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it.'
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