Hallow

[willli]

Eve of the New Year here in NY and I’m surprised to find myself still alive and causing “quite a stir” at good ole MSKCC. Still too weak to consider the siren call of the cold north Atlantic, in honor of the occasion of the postponement of my death, thought I’d relate something from my younger years, 1984 to be precise, Halloween eve, recovering from primary cancer surgery at good ole NYU medical center.
Semi-private rooms are a hotbed of conspiracy when the right patients are randomly paired, and my mate was a fellah named Ed. They were afraid to operate on Ed cos he had this huge aneurism, but he had been such a heavy smoker that his lungs needed to be cleaned enough to handle the operation. He was something of a medical time bomb. He also got regular meds, and at the time (1984) there were a lot of Irish nurses working at NYU. The one working our floor at night was a pretty Irish lass with a effervescent personality named Mary. She sort of bounced into the room pushing her little cart which had shelves for dressings and tape and such, antiseptic that left you orange, and of course meds in little cups up top. We really liked her, and while eating lunch that hallow eve decided she deserved something special and resolved to give it to her at the stroke of midnight, when she brought Ed his meds.
All through the day I borrowed supplies from the day nurses’ carts. Some bandage, rolls of tape, that orangey antiseptic, borrowed from various carts as I strolled the hall with my saline drip in tow, and I would transfer the booty to my shaving kit in the bathroom. Mary came on duty at six, made her rounds, and of course we asked her about all hallows eve in Ireland, but she insisted she wasn’t the slightest bit superstitious. We smiled. I told her my children were trick-to-treating as Batman and Superman. When she left the room at nine, promising to be back at twelve sharp with Ed’s meds, we smiled. I had three hours to get ready.
It’s pretty amazing how you can transform a face, adding horns, lengthening the chin, sharpening the cheekbones, hollowing the eyes, and coloring it all putrid orange. But the finishing touch was my dark brown full-length bathrobe, which when pulled over my head, horns sticking out, made a convincing cloak. I even taped the saline pole to look like a sinister staff. Lights dark in room and bath, I waited in the shadows behind cracked bathroom door while Mary bounced into the room with Ed’s twelve o’clock meds. She regarded my empty bed as she handed Ed his meds…
“I’m really worried about him,” said Ed. “He went in the bathroom over an hour ago and I haven’t heard a sound since.” A look of concern swept over her and she glided toward the bathroom door, softly calling my name, and as she approached the door I sprang at her and hissed “MARY!”
Not a sound came from her mouth as she floated backwards, eyes wide as saucers, till she collapsed in a chair her feet and legs and arms and hands shaking uncontrollably with a quiet moan coming from somewhere inside of her, and Ed laughing so hard he was coughing and crying, and this part, the nurse possessed by St. Vitas and the patient apparently in distress in full view of an LPN outside the room in the hall, who herself hailed from the isle of Jamaica, where it is said they have the un-dead walking about. She strode toward the room and I could see her through the crack on the hinge side of the bathroom door that completely concealed me from her, and as she gained the entrance to the room I slammed close the bathroom door and sprang toward her with my best monster moan… she stumbled backwards falling on her ass in the hall, every hair on her body standing on end as she frantically screamed “NO! NO!” At this point Mary was laughing so hard she was crying right along with Ed, and the nurse at the station, seeing the state of her LPN put in the code, and the lights started flashing and nurses from all over the floor were running, crash cart and all descending on my room where I had once again opened the bathroom door and concealed my presence from the head nurse marching in front of the army behind her and as she gained the room past the hysterical LPN on the hallway floor and saw the hysterical crying nurse and patient Ed, I sprang at her from behind the door and SHE fell backward into the army behind her and they all uttered a collective gasp at the exact point that the Doctor on call, the poor sleepless resident, gained the room all primed for action and demanding to know what the problem was to a now sea of laughter. And try as he would he didn’t get an answer, every demand he made being answered with uncontrollable laughter from his nurses. He muscled his way into the room, and seeing me got all pissed off and demanded I be escorted OUT of the hospital, which of course made the nurses laugh even harder, which pissed him to no end. The head nurse finally gained some composure and between giggles said, “Sir, we can’t ask him to leave” which infuriated him even more and has he started toward me, thinking he more bouncer than doctor, the head nurse said “Stop!” The intern glared at her “Why!” “Cos”she barely got out when drowned by a collective chorus “HE”S A PATIENT!!” followed by more giggling and laughing. “For God’s sake, this is a hospital” he said and stormed off.
The rest of that night was punctuated with little fits of laughter from Ed, which with all the accompanying coughing did a weeks work of cleaning to his lungs. That morning my surgeon, grinning ear to ear, quietly disconnected me from the drip, did a quick assessment of my JP’s and such and asked if I knew how they worked, of course yes, and pronounced me ready to go home. I was discharged at noon with a healthy supply of bandages and tape and antiseptic, sent home to my lovely wife. And to the horror of patients entering the floor, the nurses were laughing at this poor man being discharged with all sorts of medical devices hanging from his body.
The stir I’m causing at Memorial, one of the premier cancer research hospitals in the world, is a simple one. How in the world did a man who should be dead, last 20 something years. Of course when I tell them “I’m sorry, the Devil made me do it” it takes them a while to laugh. They’re warming up to me.
God bless you all in the coming New Year.

[Mike Fernandez]

It's great to hear from you Willi. Give em hell!

[southpeakbrad]

And God Bless you Willi!!
Thanks so much for the awesome story. I've really been thinking about you and your history of such great stories on this site and wondering how you've been. Thanks for the update and hang in there Brad

[BillL]

That just made my day Willi!! You're like the kneeriding Mark Twain. Keep it up and may your 2009 be happy and healthy!

[RMcKnee]

Nice one Willi. God bless, and all the best for the new year.

[KEL]

Couldnt figure out if I should cry or laugh my ass off..........SO I DID BOTH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy New Year. KEL

[Casey Patelski]

Willi, I never met ya, but I'm sure you and I have a lot in common with that perfect prank. I'm always sceemin up stuff that would normally get one in trouble, but if it goes of right, they just cant get mad at ya. Thats when you know you succeeded in your plan. Nice work and write. Thanks for sharing, Happy New Year to you and yours. Casey

[tomway]

Great story well told Willi
Many thoughts for you from here in the Indian Ocean.

[jim richardson]

Fantastic!! Nice story Will. Good luck and keep beating the odds. If there's one thing I've learned its that you cant believe Doctors when they tell you you have six months to live.

[surfhorn]

Great tale, Willi. Thank you so much for sharing. What a wonderful way to kick off 2009.

Long may you ride!

[Headwax.]

Grand to hear from you Willli. Nice to see you're writing so well. Keep em coming.


Regrads from oz.

[METALCOASTIE]

Couldnt figure out if I should cry or laugh my ass off..........SO I DID BOTH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy New Year. KEL

Im doing the same thing, great story

Happy new year

[Headwax.]

Hey Willli

I often wonder how you are going....

[Headwax.]

but am too scared to ask