KNEEBOARDING TEST

[Mike Fernandez]

THE POINT SYSTEM
from another test updated for kneeboarding by Mike Fernandez

In kneeboarding, as in life, one rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. Remember, you don't get any points for doing something she expects.

THE FIRST STEP
a) you decide to take up kneeboarding...-5
b) instead of taking those weekend gardening classes she wanted both of you to take together...-9
c) you get totally hooked...-10
d) you go out and buy a new board...-15
e) with her credit card...-25
f) because you don't have a job...-40

THE SECOND STEP
a) you convince her to try kneeboarding...0
b) she likes it...+5
c) she hates it...-5
d) you both decide she needs a lesson...+1
e) you decide lessons cost too much and try to teach her yourself...-10
f) you hire her a private instructor...+2
g) who looks like Tom Cruise...+8
h) she has a wonderful day and invites him to dinner...+5
I) you don't object...+8
j) you do object...-5
k) you make a huge scene on the beach and get in a fight with him...-24
L) you win...-35
m) you lose...-35

A DAY ON THE WATER
a) you wax the board for her...+1
b) while she's applying makeup...+3
c) you help her put on her wetsuit...0
d) it's too big...-1
e) you tell her she will be warmer than you...+2
f) her board is bigger than yours...-2
g) you tell her that it's because she weighs more than you do...-13
h) the waves are big and she drifts down the beach...-5
i) you drive around to rescue her...0
j) you tell her that your very sorry and can she ever forgive you...+1
k) you keep on surfing and pretend you don't see her...-5
l) you have such a good day surfing, you forget she's with you and you go home...-25

TROUBLE IN PARADISE
a) you surf along side her all day...+5
b) you surf along side her for a while then leave...0
c) you surf along side her until you hear someone yelling for help and you paddle off to help them...+3
d) the person in trouble is female...-1
e) named Tiffany...-4
f) Tiffany is wearing a very tiny bikini...-6
g) Tiffany has implants...-10
h) you wave goodbye as you drift downwind sitting on Tiffany's board...-30
i) you show up back at home just after dark...-49
j) you show up back home just after midnight...-99
k) you show up the next morning...-200

MORE ADVANCED ACTIVITIES
a) she does her first takeoff...+9
b) she so excited that she catches a bigger wave...+6
c) she wipes out...-1
d) she discovers ripcurrents...-5
e) you paddle out to rescue her...0
f) you tell her everything is fine and she's doing great...+2
g) you ask her what the hell she was thinking going out so far...-11
h) you don't rescue her...-10
i) because your talking to Tiffany on the beach...-25

PROBLEMS
a) she hits a rock with your new fin and you don't yell at her...0
b) she hits a rock with your new fin and you ask her why...-7
c) you tell her that she's going to have to buy you a new one...-13
d) you tell her that your going to have to spend the money that you were saving for the engagement ring on a new fin...-25

THE PURCHASE
a) it's Saturday and you offer to take her shopping...+10
b) you take her to the mall...+15
c) you take her to Waldo's Surfing Emporium...-1
d) where you offer to buy her a new bikini...+5
e) you see the prices and suggest maybe her old one will last another season...-1
f) you end up buying a new board for yourself...-20
g) and a wetsuit...-25
h) while trying on a new wetsuit, she ask's, "Do I look fat?" ...-5 (sensitive questions always start out with a deficit)
i) you hesistate in responding...-10
j) you reply, "where?" ...-30

THE END
a) she asks you wether you think kneeboarding is better that sex...-5 (loaded question always start with a deficit)
b) you reply, "Never!"...0
c) you reply, "Depends on the waves."...-6
d) you reply, "what a dumb question."...-3
e) you reply, "always."...-10

[Bintang Bob]

well done...

[Scott]

Mike,

That's the funniest thing ever! I don't know who you adapted it from, but you both are the greatest.

I'm sending it to my wife to read tomorrow (-10).

I hope I don't get confused and mistakenly address it to "Tiffany" (-25).

[KAVA]

mike, you read Cosmo in your free time dont ya? lol

[kneelingBROTHA]

sorry for the language don but...

THAT'S THE F()CKING GREATEST THING EVER! That was truly funny. I never laugh at surfing stories in magazines (try forcing yourself to read through the "bro-isms" in transworld surf--that will give you a headache) but that was great. Even if reworked someone else's "point system"...BRAVO!

--marc

[jadams3]

Absolutely Brilliant

I took my wife Michelle kneeboarding on Oahu's south shore during vacation +25

She paddled the 1/4 mile out to 3's on a good swell +10

Her first wave was a 100 yard overhead screamer.....she screamed the whole way to the channel +300

She paddled back into the lineup thru the meat of a 5 wave set, taking them all on the head without complaint, couldn't wipe the smile off her face +10

Surfed for 2 hours together with many good waves, sharing a few and enjoying it immensely +150

Complimented her on her first kneelo experience and endurance +30

She surfed everyday for the rest of the week in any conditions +500

She orders me a surprise custom Parkes quad (with Bob Schiff's guidance) for my birthday +10,000

Am I farkin' LUCKY or what ??????

[kneemor]

she is a keeper!!!

[rooster]

Tiffany ruined my relationship, so I went and found a brown gal who doesn't swim, just enjoys watching me have fun.

[gumby]

Jadams3 does your wife have a sister +18

[gumby]

just got slaped on the back of the head -50
wife reminded me she got me my last new board + 1500
never mind my last post

[jadams3]

Sounds like you found a good one too Gumby

No sisters unfortunately ...........

[gumby]

Yea she said she would devorce me if I stoped surfing + 1,000,000 She knows I am her ride to the beach

[gene west]

mike - you are the kneeboarders Dr. Phil...If only I had known about the test, then perhaps I wouldn't have 2 ex-wives! I should've known as soon as the complaints about sand in the sheets and melted wax started. Oh well, I'm still surfing!!!!